For Anyone Who Feels In-Between

I had to escape. I needed to un-plug to re-connect. I feel like I am in a dodgy game of life and for a short while i was let out on parole... only a short while.  I appreciate that a few short days away from it all, are so very precious. Pure time to be with my family & space to re-connect with my partner. I needed different air in my lungs and different earth underneath my feet to really be able to find some space and relief in my body. 

I read an amazing post recently written by the Weaving Wonderment who spoke the words I have been feeling for a long time now. We are so conditioned to use everything else around us to help us heal in the hope of feeling "fixed" - at what point do we distrust our "self" so much that we forget we can heal ourselves from within. The most potent, raw, healing is available to us daily, but many of us push this down, in the hope that someone else can give us the answers. This is exactly what I am feeling right now.

It's uncomfortable because I am resisting every "safe" option I have compiled in my spiritual first aid kit. My ego is being absolutely stripped bare to the point where some day’s I can't even look at my skin - it's not mine but all at the same time, I am witnessing new story’s and pathways emerging within my own veins.

It's a pure shedding. My "No's" are stronger than ever.  My "Yes's" are rationed like gold. My rest is sacred and my doing is full of alignment. My head tells me this could land me in a lonely, mis-understood place if I trust where my body leads me but my heart tells me this could lead me away from a lonely, mis-understood place. I see everything around me, I see the spiritual spaces, the tools, the gatherings and my body truly does not want them. 

This causes me a great deal of conflict because those spaces have led me to where I am today, they founded the person I see my self as. But I have landed at a place of nothingness. I don't feel I fit in with the spiritual crowd, but I'm too deep and connected for my muggles. And it feels so lonely, because I am too exhausted to dance between the two anymore. My body is so tired of masking and trying to morph into those spaces to be the "friendly, connected lady who is so helpful". I'm dancing with the dark, with death, my feet burn on hot coals and I'm howling at the moon to celebrate me. I'm journeying with my body now and allowing my animal instincts to guide me. 

My nervous system is holding onto energetic connections which are ready to be severed but I can’t seem to let go. They are all here at the surface, my body is doing the work for me, but I feel that only my heart can let these go. The internal struggle is real - why can’t I just send healing to that place or give myself some forgiveness for an old wrong doing - I am not a superhero, I am of the same essence of every other soul walking this earth and we are all here to experience and learn - my past was part of the journey so why do I drag this along with me. Hoping to climb to new heights to only be dragged back down with the weight of this turmoil. This transition is immense. I am between lives and this dance is not one I particularly wanted to learn but yet I feel I have too.

This personal share is for anyone who feels in-between. For anyone who is in the process of shifting energy or identity, for anyone who is learning to meet themselves on a different level - be it for the first or the fifth time. There is part of the birthing process called the transition - it is when the mother is very close to birthing the baby - she may start to say things like “I can’t do this” or she may feel that the pain is far too much for her tired body to handle and I remember this well from the birth of my children. I didn’t think at that very point, I would be able to birth my children - I thought it was far too much for me to handle and I would slip away, but what happens during this time, is the body leads.

The body gives the mind a reassurance of safety - the midwives shout out “trust your body, let it do the work for you”... and it does - you slip into an almost liminal space where you relinquish control and TRUST. What comes next is nothing short of a miracle. I share this little anecdote a lot with people - to remind you that we experience these transitions throughout our whole lives, it never ends. We may feel like everything is too much, too painful, or you may feel completely lost like I do now, but you are transitioning into new vibrations and you have to trust your body. Trust the feelings, trust the aches and pains, trust the butterflies in your belly and trust that uneasy feeling. It will guide you to who you need to be around, where you need to be to feel whole and what you need to do to feel fulfilled.

So when I talk about not fitting in with a particular crowd or group of people - that is because my ‘self’ is in transition and how I hold my 'self' and walk my steps day to day, needs to be led from me. No particular ‘scene’ or spiritual tool is going to feel right for me at the minute because it will change daily - even hourly. If you feel lost like this, I just want you to know that’s ok. You are not going crazy, you are not regressing into bad habits, you have not lost your magic and you are not being a knob. You are simply navigating a potent time in your life and you don’t have to explain yourself to anyone. Give yourself love and surround yourself with people who want the highest good for you. 

I'm mapping out my path through my veins and moving forward with my breath. And whilst my brain tells me I've gone the wrong way and to do a u-turn, I will trust my inner knowing will lead the way.

If you're in the in-between too, I'd love to know. This is the space I'm building for us.